Cancer and Intimacy: The Long Suffering

Okay so this post deserves a warning so before you go ANY FURTHER, just ask yourself one question: Do I want to know? I'm not going to get into graphic detail, but I have made a commitment to myself that this blog is going to talk about all of my experience - the good, the bad, the ugly, the uncomfortable, and the weird.

So if you don't want to know, this post is not for you, please press the back button and vacate the premises. I have plenty of other content that you might find interesting, enlightening, or uplifting. If you are my parents or my in-laws, please do not read this - like for real.... I am begging you.

....... Are they gone? Just us weirdos? Okay great! So, like I said, not going to go into super graphic details because this is not OF & I'm not getting paid for this. Although in this economy, the thought has crossed my mind more than once, but that is a story for another time.

Rather what I want to share is the journey that Adrian and I have been on when it comes to finding ways to remaining connected as a couple. There are two things that you need to know going into this conversation:

1. Prior to cancer, Adrian and I were a really physical couple, holding hands everywhere, and all the things. Adrian's love language is definitely physical touch; he likes having his head scratched or his back scratched when we're chilling in bed. Sex was a huge part of our love life pre-cancer.

2. Adrian and I have always been super into each other. We are both really attracted to the other person and having been together 12 years now, we're still not bored or tired of each other. This includes all aspects - mentally, physically, personality wise, etc.

   
   

And to be honest, these two things are what make staying intimate and connected during treatment so tough - the physicality of our relationship was just thrown right out the window. Here are just a few things that my doctor mentioned when we first started treatment:

• Don't get pregnant for at least 3 years after treatment is completed- seems obvious b/c chemotherapy and immunotherapy can lead to significant birth defects. This isn't to say it's not possible to have a health pregnancy or baby within this time period. But it's certainly not recommended.

• Use birth control and/or safe sex practices - again kind of goes with the preventing pregnancy

• If you are planning on being intimate, use lots of lubricant - I know I've talked about this before, but chemo really changes your body chemistry and makes you dryer than a sponge in the Sahara.... and this includes your lady parts

Based on my personal experience, I can tell you that the last one is for sure true... and it's the WORST. Not only does it make having sex harder, but it can also really make day-to-day experience more difficult and uncomfortable. I did read that not everyone experiences this, but the vast majority of cancer patients experience some dryness. There are plenty of products that can help combat this issue over the counter or in your supermarket - I personally like wipe products as they are easy to carry in my purse.

Another big issue that I experienced that really put a damper on our love life - especially during my first round of treatment- was that the LAST thing I wanted was to be touched. During my first set of chemo treatments, I felt like an exposed nerve. I wasn't in a lot of physical pain, rather I would describe it as feeling bloated after eating too much salty food. But rather than the bloating feeling going away after a few hours, it was around all the time. I had so much pressure in my stomach constantly, all of my clothes felt uncomfortable, so I basically lived in my PJs or super baggy shirts & sweatpants, and to top it all off, I put on a pretty significant amount of weight due to the amount of steroids I was taking. So yeah, cuddling - off the table. Sex? Maybe in my dreams.

Of course, I'm not the only one struggling with the lack of intimacy. Adrian was also really struggling; perhaps even more than me. Because sex was such a huge part of our relationship, going from a few times a week to nothing overnight was a huge shock. I know it's been pretty hard on him and to be honest, we've struggled to find other ways to be intimate with each other. We've found some solutions, but I don't know that our sex life will ever return to how it was in the before cancer times.

It wasn't until I had finished my first series of treatment, got past surgery pain, radiation limitations, and had been of steroid medication for several months that I started feeling well enough to be intimate with my husband again. It really took a long time to start feeling like myself and I had several setbacks. One of the big hurtles that I had to overcome was the physical - after my double mastectomy and the reconstruction, I had quite a few limitations in my arms and torso. I had to go to physical therapy and occupational therapy to get back some of the movement that I had lost as well as gain back some of my strength. I'm still not fully back to my pre-cancer strength. It takes a really long time and intentional effort - both of which I'm not quite able to commit to right now so I'm settling for exercising how and when I can when I'm feeling up for it.

The other big hurtle I had to overcome was the significant amount of weight that I put on during treatment. Yet another thing we had to overcome in our intimate life. I look back at some of the photos we took during my treatment period, and I can just tell my joints hurt, I was having trouble getting solid sleep, and I was about 60-70 lbs. over what I should have been. Since I'm only 5ft 1in, this amount of additional weight on my frame made it really difficult to move around and even just feel comfortable. It was part of the reason why I asked to be put on weight loss medication during my treatment this time around - to prevent the weight gain from happening and some of the nasty side effects and complications that come with it. When I look in the mirror now during this set of treatments, I do feel a lot better about where I am physically, and I can report that many of the sleep issues that I had have pretty much been kept at bay.

So how has my treatment been affecting my relationship with my husband this time around? Sadly, we're still not having much sex so that's been a real bummer. But we have discovered other ways to be in relationship with each other. We spend a lot more time cuddling and taking intentional time to have adventures together. We just got new Kindles, so we've been enjoying quiet reading time in on the weekend mornings. We also try to spend time in the same space, even if we're both doing different things. One of the things that we have learned going through this process together is that a strong relationship is built on more than the physical - it's all about setting up intentional time to be together. Here are some of our favorite ways to build intentionality into our relationship:

1. Eating together - we try very hard to have dinner together a few nights a week, especially when Adrian is off work

2. Cooking together - one of our favorite activities to do together, and we try to cook together at least one night a week

3. Date Night - we try to do both planned and spur of the moment date nights a couple of times a month. One of my goals for 2025 is to be even more intentional about planning dates with my hubby.

4. Non-Sexual Physical Touch - Adrian and I have always been big into holding hands, just because kisses, and giving the other little massages when we can. These little moments mean a lot to me because I know that it's just building up our foundation just a little bit more and making it just a little bit stronger so we can get through this tough period

5. Going to sleep together - as much as we can, we try to go to bed at the same time. This is pretty important and allows us to be in each other's space during the quiet time of the day. That quiet time helps us to reconnect and recharge at the end of the day.

Overall, I will say that our relationship has gotten better this time around during treatment. Because my side effects are different and I'm managing them differently than the first time around, we have been able to have more physically intimate together - still not to the same levels as pre-cancer, but at least it's trending in the right direction for the most part. Do I think that we'll get back to how we were pre-cancer? I think so, but it's going to take time. I believe that we'll make it through this and be stronger than ever.

Anyway, that's all for now!

OS