Lessons I’ve Learned from My Cancer Journey

Something you may not know about me but I am a deep thinker. I spend a pretty good portion of my day deep in my own thoughts. Sometimes I’m teasing out a puzzle or solving for a challenging project for work. Sometimes I’m working on solving for global problems like bridging the gaps in the healthcare system or world peace. Sometimes I’m thinking about my meal plan, grocery list, and how much toothpaste I have at home. I think they kind of look like this - distinct from each other but always swirling around in my head!

But one topic that I always end up coming back to are the lessons that I’ve learned from my cancer journey. Many of these lessons I don’t think I would have learned otherwise - or maybe I would have learned they way down the road. Cancer really has a way of making you realize some really important things in life and opening your eyes to the important people in your circle. It can also help you to realize some pretty painful truths about yourself.

But before I begin, a little context that I think would be helpful: let’s start with my core personality & hopefully it’ll give you some insight into why I am the way that I am.

So a little background about me - according to Myers Briggs test, I am an ESTJ - an Executive Type. From a personality stand point, this personality type can typically be described positively as Dedicated, Strong-Willed, Direct & Honest. This personality type can also be described as having difficulty relaxing, inflexible and stubborn. You can read more about my personality type here on 16Personalities.com.

The reason why I bring up my personality type is because I feel like it accurately describes how I present in the world. I consider myself a strong individual with a good head on my shoulders. I tend to not ask for help and strive to move forward at all time - sometimes at all costs. I have historically pushed myself really hard in every aspect of my life - from academic achievement to achieving at work, I’ve pushed myelf towards the brink of perfection. Pre-cancer, I was slowly but surely burning out.

As I moved through my treatment the first time, I was forced to really pause and think about what I want for my life. I had to slow down, and try to keep myself in the moment - because looking ahead was too scary and looking at the past made me incredibly sad. It was really the first time in my life that I confronted the fact that I have high functioning anxiety - my overwhelming need to be in control that had always been there, just over my shoulder, suddenly came out full force. Because I was no longer in control of the most fundamental, basic thing - my body - the tools that I had been using to cope like exercise were not available for me anymore. I had to learn new coping skills such as journaling and meditation and perhaps the hardest one for me - daily gratitude. But I learned and now I have these tools that help me every day.

The other lesson that I learned - and am still trying to learn to be honest - is patience. I’ve never really had much patience. When I’m ready for something to happen, I’m gonna make it happen - obstacles be damned. Sometimes this gets me into trouble and I know I’ve made some mistakes because of this mentality. The biggest thing about cancer is that is a exercise in having infinite amounts of patience. Being mad or upset that things aren’t moving very quickly isn’t going to help you feel better and it’s not going to make the time pass any faster. I have to remind myself that “good things come to those to wait” and focus on the things that I do have some input on.

This leads me to the final lesson I’ve learned in my cancer journey is focusing on my nexus of control. When it comes to complex illness and chronic illness, so much is out of your control. Your body feels out of control, sometimes your mind feels out of your control, and often your treatment plan is out of your control. It is incredibly frightening and frustrating. The lesson I needed to learn was about focusing on what I can control to bring normality back to my life: things like my diet, my attitude, and my self care routine.

All of these lessons I could not have learned without being forced to slow down. And while it would have been great to not have to battle cancer and I would not wish this on my worst enemy, I am grateful for the lessons that I’ve learned.

Talk again soon!

OS